random facts
random facts in Lee's world as of (date posted above).
1. seeds of angst
- insecurities = i feel really unsecure of myself. am not rich, am not pretty, am not sexy, am not good in bed (duh!) -- am nothing.
- jealousy = i envy the guys that i've met. mac and darwin, they took everything so casually. ang saket! now, they are all having a good life. they are all smiling and having fun with their gurls, me? still stuck here in my world. none of the boys out there would want to join my world. i suck!
- fear = yes, i am afraid of something.
- denial = am in denial that i still have the "feeling".
- anger = i hate my foolishness and my stupidity. i hate me.
- guilt = and am guilty for what i've done to myself.
- acceptance = i know i have to do that, but it ain't that easy. com'on!!
it all started because of this txt-crap "we love each other and feel ko siya na talaga. i wanna settle na and am planning to get married this year." (his text goes something like that) --- it does hurt. i know am hurt, and am lost eleswhere. *sigh*
2. am in deep shit. i know some things shouldn't affect me the way it affects me right now.
- i still cant get away from my thoughts from the seeds of angst.
- i havent met the first deadline the editor in chief gave me. i mean, i had made several articles for the magtab but the layout artist havent showed up for like weeks!!!!!!! the hell!!
- my cellphone is broken. more hell!!
- i feel dizzy this past few weeks. maybe i guess because of my eating disorder. yeah, am suffering of that recently. i have been starving myself, i guess am too focused on controling my weight and am also busy with my committments in school. so i starved - and binge. i drank heavy acids last week without eating propperly, i have taken loads of sugars and carbs with out the proper meal. far out!! am i trying to kill myself?! i need serious help!!! someone?!?!?
3. hard as rock, eh?!?!?
- people never knew what i've been through this past weeks. i know i got a lot of comments like "pumayat ka Lee, diet noh?!" -- see?! does it matter?! i mean diet is what this guys knew about me. the hell!! i dont do diet!! i'd like to but am always out of track. so i dont. i have suffered eating disorder because of the intention of wanting to lose weight so i tried to maintain it but i know, we know that it's bad!! so i dont!! i am in shit!! and that's what makes me lose weight, and no, am not loving it. i'd rather gain weight as much as i want to as long as am worry-free. ok, so back with the peeps around me. i mean seriously, tell me, am not transparent!! am a good actor, i know how to hide things -- my feelings, my pain.
- bato?! that's what you think of me, dont you?! uh, yeah, i admit, i am numb to some of the shits. i mean pain doesnt hurt anymore if it all you ever felt, does it?! kinakalyo na nga puso ko eh. peeps say that i dont care, am rock. a hardcore bitch!! yeah, label me whatever!!!! but hey, come, try to see it through me. please, i insist.
4. masaya.
- uh, after what i've rant, i still insist you to believe that am somehow happy. ofcourse am mature enough to handle those, been through it almost every month of every year!! so i still hold this statement "as a real girl, i has withstood the test of time and i am constantly evolving with the changes around me. having practically grown up infront of the judgemental and fickle world, i know how i can make my success happend for myself. i may have committed a lot of mistakes along the way, but i am continually learning from them. you may love me or hate me, nobody can ignore the fact that i am here to stay!!" i am happy, i still find time to recall all the blessings that i've been receiving everyday. i am human; i mess up, i hate, i love, i complain, i pray, i survive, i feel, etc. i know that no matter how hard you try to evade just to not feel or experience the things that you dont like, still, you are left with no choice but be a prison of destiny. i know we can get away with this, cant we?! but yeah, it's in how you handle it. it's in how you go though the process. it's ok to let go of yourself, but make sure you know how to get yourself back. you can let go of everything, but please, never the faith. it's everything!!
5. foul play
- i made up a story to help myself move on. i have told this someone that i am blah blah blah. i may have played it foully but i know it's the right thing to do. i wonder if i have told him the truth?! will he......??? (duh!!!) yeah, as if he cared! never mind!!!
6. miss
- am missing alot of things. my bestfriend Chelo (happy five labz!!), my academics and mostly, my parents.
7. sloth
- no matter how hard you pull the trigger of your gun beside the ear of a sloth, it wouldn't move because it doesnt care!!. a sloth always has a blissfull smile attached on its face, in other words, this creature feels contentment. it sleeps 20hrs a day. it moves 2-4 meters per hour and last but not the least, it is the most laziest of the laziest (hehehe) of all creatures!! why am i blogging this?! because i want to be a sloth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there, none is left in my mind...
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