MY PRERO LAYOUT my prerogative: January 2007

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Lee© ** i write to express, not to impress! ** ©Lee




my prerogative

people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. but the question is.. Can you handle mine?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

thanks Alex!

I started my week awfully so I can’t control myself by ending it awfully too. For me, my week ends on Thursdays because I only have classes till Thursdays. This day! So am planning to end it by going to the adoration chapel on our church here. I haven’t been there for several months now and I have a lot of things to tell Him. I started cutting classes last Monday, and I also cut class last Tuesday and yesterday and now, I just cut class. I have 3 classes left for this day and one is the catechist. And guess what? I don’t feel like showing up on those! I know my students will be waiting or will be looking for me later but as of now, I don’t have conscience. Am such a bad ass!

I was with my friend Alex yesterday. I missed hanging out with her so when I saw her, instead of going in the class (which I was headed to), I invited her out. We hang out at Gaisano, eat our hearts out and just catch up. I was really happy yesterday; I was able to tell someone about what I have been going though lately. It’s nice to know that no matter how shitty you get, you can have someone to just sit with you and listen. Alex felt me. But she just stayed quiet and told me “Kaya mo yan sis, kaw pa! You’ve been through a lot and am not gonna start telling you on what you should do or what you should not. Kasi alam ko na kaya mo and you know what to do!” I was really happy hearing those words from her. It is such a relief. Someone here still believes in me. As a return, I treat her manggang hilaw with bagoong! *yum* (that’s our favorite snack) and I went with her at her place and we started laughing about the things we usually do last semester. We talked about our friend, Grichelle and she just gave birth with his son and we were talking about going to Calamba and see our inaanak. This would be very fun and an adventure! None of us have been there since. *laughs*

Each and every girl could say that any guys are good at disappearing. They are good at running away from things that they don’t want to deal with. What motivates them to disappear? As a girl, I can’t answer that. But I know that they are not man enough to prove and deal with what they put themselves in to.

Girls can disappear too. It’s not that they don’t want to deal with what they put themselves in to, but it’s the only solution left and they don’t have a choice but disappear!

Lee rocks!! @ 9:39 PM

 

Monday, January 15, 2007

Lithium

I have nothing in mind to put as a title here in my post; I am currently listening to Lithium by my ever favorite band Evanescence on my mp4 and deym it could incredibly explain how I feel now.

What did I do when I woke up this morning? Looked on my both phones; I got 1 message from Paolo on my smart and 3 messages on my globe; Precious, Merlene and Third. All were saying “good morneeeeeng!” but Precious was the only one who texted me about “inuman” this coming Saturday. Oh I hope I could come! *argh* after reading all the messages, I got up, went down stairs, looked for my lil cousin, gave him a big hug and kiss (he brightens up my morning when he would kiss me back and tell “tagal mo lagi gumising ate lee, wala na kanin para sayo.” *laughs*), then went to the bathroom, sit at the dinning room, took a mug of tea (normally, there is no breakfast left for me when I wake up every morning so I’d settle for a tea), went to get some money down town for my allowance, went back home, watched DVD (a walk to remember, if only and happy feet), took a bath, ate my lunch and went straight here, in the café.

I have my 1-3pm class today, it’s my major class and I have several absences in this one, I mean I go to this class, am physically present but in my Prof’s record, I have almost 10 absences because he would indicate absent on the student who does not wear the proper F and B uniform. Uhhh, yeah I have not been wearing my F and B uniform since he told us so and am not the only one though. It is so unpractical, we already have OUR uniform and yet he wanted us to wear ANOTHER uniform, we look ridiculous, say like selling a bible. Alright, I may be working with our school’s paper and we have taught our fellow students to follow rules in school and not nag and complain to the administration about it and that I should practice what I preach is that sooooo? To cut the story short, I decided not to show up today. Even if am present, I’ll still be absent in his record so I don’t mind missing a lesson at all.

Ok, that’s not the issue here. I just want to live, OK? People have ways on how they would live their life and I am one of them, so why won’t you just let me be? I want to take chances on whatever fate, destiny, stupidity, insanity, God, people, demon, fairies or whatever has given me. I don’t want to live thinking ahead about all the negative effects or consequences on whatever action I make. I have my own mind and heart, and yes I might need an outer perspective but just stop until there. Don’t try to control me, don’t try to change my faith and my beliefs. Am a grown “girl” now. I want to actually feel it. I know am capable of “amazing” things, do you? I mean, you have faith in me, don’t you? I want to change, I want you to see me change, but every time I tried to, you would give me the same old reactions and comments about what I am going though. Why not take a moment with me, simply listen. It may be boring or it may be the same old story but don’t try to spoil it; it makes me lose hope on myself, on my capabilities. I respect you. Respect me too.

Lee rocks!! @ 1:11 AM

 

Heart and Reason

Dear Heart,

This is a tiny voice that told me last night that I couldn’t understand you anymore. I have been awfully quiet for some time now and you have been shutting me off. I can feel you too and it is hard for me to understand that you want to go through it alone. We used to be in the same boat struggling over the things but you moved and took a different route. I have always been at your side, but this time I opt to differ. I can see your pain and I can feel it too, not because you are the heart which makes the only one capable of feeling. I am not hard as you, sometimes believe me, I am. I just have to be like this for the both of us. Otherwise we could both drown and no one can save us anymore. Heart, why do you keep on beating on with the wrong person all the time? Aren’t you tired of watching them leave you? Aren’t you tired of giving your best and not getting anything in return? If you are not, then I am. I am tired of giving you excuses so you won’t break. I am tired of saying “yes” when in fact it is “no”. I am tired of convincing you when you know very well that I am just lying to make you happy. I am tired of you, for all your broken dreams, your failed relationships, and for all your unrequited love. You have too much to give to the person who can never be yours Heart. Weren’t you the one who said that you are sore and wounded? So why are you staying when you can just walk away from all these pain that is consuming you? How can you take it Heart? How can you look at his eyes and not see you in his heart? How can you smile when you feel his caresses and know that those touches were meant for someone else? How can you be strong when you’re feeling weak and helpless? How can you possibly love someone who is in love with another girl? He was never yours to begin with, so it would be impossible to have him forever. Forever is just a word Heart. There is no such thing as forever, just good byes as inevitable. I have seen you so excited when he came to our lives. I was just as excited as you were. I wanted him to be he guy that we can both be in love with. But he is a dream, and dreams end. Tell me, wasn’t it good to have a dream every time you feel like doing so? Like dreams you have to wake up and face the day. It was enough that he made you feel loved. Just face the reality that someone owns his heart. Pushing for it will only make another girl’s heart bleed. I have seen you loved, lost and grieved, but never healed. Why Heart? What are you so afraid of? It’s time to let go. I know it would be hard. I have never seen you love this way before, so unconditional. Of course you have always loved unconditionally but your love for him is different because you wouldn’t listen to me. You use your words against me and that makes me feel helpless. I am just hurt as you are because I can’t make the pain go away. I can’t help you and heal for you. You have to do it alone. You have kept your silence and it’s deafening now. You are trying to fool me so I would think you are ok and that I shouldn’t be worried. You want me to believe that you are not in pain. Remember Heart, there is this thin line that connects us and it would be difficult to deceive one another of what is really going on.

Your friend,
Reason


********************* REPLY **************************


My friend Reason,
Thanks for putting up with me while I go through my journey. It is like battling a demon. The battle is with in me and something I feel I could not fight. You were right. I have never felt this way before, you know I said that. It is because I allowed myself to manipulate all the other system that is with in my control. I shut all the possibilities that one day when I look back this would be my biggest regret. I shut it because I know I would never regret. A love so true has no regrets even if you don’t get what you work so hard for in the end. That is why I disregard the idea that one day I would have to watch him leave and know that deep with in me he is never coming back. He is in deed a dream I never wish to end. I am holding on to that dream that is why I wouldn’t want to let it go yet, but holding on for so long as I can doesn’t mean holding on forever. I don’t believe in forever either that is what I used to because you said there is no such thing, but he made me believe in a lot of things and one of them is that we can stay like this for eternity. A moment with him is forever more. Forever might be a word, but it exist. It is a place where dreams come true; where hopes are limitless. It’s a place where kisses heal wounds. Where embrace can take away fears. Where touch can take away doubts. That is forever and I believe him because I felt it. We may not last another weeks, months, or years but he took me to that place where dates are mere numbers you count on to say that this is how long I have him for a moment and that is enough for me to go through this life time. Hopefully I can have him a little longer to last another life time. Looking back, you and I have been together in everything and I can never keep a secret from you. You are too wise to be fooled. They say wise people are poor in the matters of the heart. I wish to erase that cliché. It is not true that I choose to beat for the wrong guy. I just do. You should know better that my beating is involuntary. If I could be held with in the palm of the hand, then it would be a lot easier not to give any explanation. But I can’t be and this makes us human, so I keep my feet on the ground by feeling and hurting. You don’t have to make excuses for me anymore or lie to me, because regardless of the tears and pain, I am happy. You asked me how I can take it; it is about loving with out expecting to be loved back. I may say one thing but mean another, but when I say I love him, I really do. Love is not blind. It is only for the people who hoped to have more when they already have everything, it is about taking everything including those hope to take away. I don’t have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine. I don’t have to frown when I know his smiles weren’t mine, just as long as am smiling because of him and he knows it. I am weak and might be helpless, but I don’t want to heal. Healing is as good as forgetting and I don’t want to forget. Before I end, I want to tell you something. You wouldn’t understand but I know in time you would come to see it as I do. Love is not getting what you have, not even getting what you deserve; it is getting nothing and somehow getting everything if you see it the way I do then you wouldn’t ask anymore and still be wise. Perhaps if we can see again through the same eyes, we used to look at before through the same window. Maybe they would say we are the first to break the cliché.

Always,
Heart

Lee rocks!! @ 12:53 AM

 

silently broken

Current mood: low

Everything happens so fast. I arrived here in manila last December 18th and I was busy going out with my best friend and friends. It was really fun! Whenever my best friend and I count off the days of my stay, I would feel sad.

Hanging out with my best friend and friends and doing the things that we usually do is so refreshing. I would always say, or at least shout it at the back of my mind “wala to sa Ozamiz, totodohin ko na to!”. My life in Ozamiz is way too boring. The place is boring. I only have few friends there and we don’t hang out often. I normally spend most of my time in school, doing my responsibilities (I know I should). When I reach home, I’ll took a sip of tea (hot or iced), go to my room, change clothes, stretch out on my bed and I don’t know what’s next. Most of the time, I would think of my state or go to sleep. That’s how boring it is. Whenever I feel so left out, lazy or alone, I would just tell myself “Get a Life!!”. I know that I already have one, but am not doing anything about it.

Manila is a place that I know I’ll be happy. My best friend is here, my family is here, my home is here, my friends are here, my “kinky obsessions” are here, big malls are here, and my favorite ride (Viking) is here, everything that I need is here. I want to stay here (if only I could). Most of the people would ask me “why in Ozamiz?” then I would just give them a shrug. I may complain a lot about Ozamiz, but its one hell of a place that I know I could forget and be away of everything that keeps burning me.

2 days to go, I’ll leave for Ozamiz. Leaving Manila is difficult for me, but I have to. As I’ve said, Ozamiz is a place where I could forget and be away of everything that keeps burning me. You got it right; there is this one thing that I want to get away from. They say that running away from your problem wont help, in my situation now, it would.

I cried myself late to sleep last night. When I woke up at around 10:30 in the morning I tried my best to feel better and to forget the feeling I had last night; so I went downstairs, took a glass of water, washed few of my clothes, and watched a movie on DVD. Bad choice of movie cause it didn’t stop torturing me. I feel like these lines belong to me:

“If you leave now, everything we have will be perfect forever.”

“All we have is how you remember me, and if I know that am remembered that way then I can face anything! God Nelson, you are my immortality!”

“I need to do this, just like I need to know that you go on and have a beautiful life, the one you deserve.”

“You have me, FOREVER. Now, let me go.”

*sigh*

Running away or letting go of this one is so hard. I’ve been through this process several times but I just couldn’t endure the pain, but at least I know now what to do.

(It’s not you that I want to let go of, it’s the “thing” that I know I can never have from you. All I need is time, sooner then I’ll be cool with you. Remember, I still care.)

Lee rocks!! @ 12:15 AM