Heart and Reason
Dear Heart,
This is a tiny voice that told me last night that I couldn’t understand you anymore. I have been awfully quiet for some time now and you have been shutting me off. I can feel you too and it is hard for me to understand that you want to go through it alone. We used to be in the same boat struggling over the things but you moved and took a different route. I have always been at your side, but this time I opt to differ. I can see your pain and I can feel it too, not because you are the heart which makes the only one capable of feeling. I am not hard as you, sometimes believe me, I am. I just have to be like this for the both of us. Otherwise we could both drown and no one can save us anymore. Heart, why do you keep on beating on with the wrong person all the time? Aren’t you tired of watching them leave you? Aren’t you tired of giving your best and not getting anything in return? If you are not, then I am. I am tired of giving you excuses so you won’t break. I am tired of saying “yes” when in fact it is “no”. I am tired of convincing you when you know very well that I am just lying to make you happy. I am tired of you, for all your broken dreams, your failed relationships, and for all your unrequited love. You have too much to give to the person who can never be yours Heart. Weren’t you the one who said that you are sore and wounded? So why are you staying when you can just walk away from all these pain that is consuming you? How can you take it Heart? How can you look at his eyes and not see you in his heart? How can you smile when you feel his caresses and know that those touches were meant for someone else? How can you be strong when you’re feeling weak and helpless? How can you possibly love someone who is in love with another girl? He was never yours to begin with, so it would be impossible to have him forever. Forever is just a word Heart. There is no such thing as forever, just good byes as inevitable. I have seen you so excited when he came to our lives. I was just as excited as you were. I wanted him to be he guy that we can both be in love with. But he is a dream, and dreams end. Tell me, wasn’t it good to have a dream every time you feel like doing so? Like dreams you have to wake up and face the day. It was enough that he made you feel loved. Just face the reality that someone owns his heart. Pushing for it will only make another girl’s heart bleed. I have seen you loved, lost and grieved, but never healed. Why Heart? What are you so afraid of? It’s time to let go. I know it would be hard. I have never seen you love this way before, so unconditional. Of course you have always loved unconditionally but your love for him is different because you wouldn’t listen to me. You use your words against me and that makes me feel helpless. I am just hurt as you are because I can’t make the pain go away. I can’t help you and heal for you. You have to do it alone. You have kept your silence and it’s deafening now. You are trying to fool me so I would think you are ok and that I shouldn’t be worried. You want me to believe that you are not in pain. Remember Heart, there is this thin line that connects us and it would be difficult to deceive one another of what is really going on.
Your friend,
Reason
********************* REPLY **************************
My friend Reason,
Thanks for putting up with me while I go through my journey. It is like battling a demon. The battle is with in me and something I feel I could not fight. You were right. I have never felt this way before, you know I said that. It is because I allowed myself to manipulate all the other system that is with in my control. I shut all the possibilities that one day when I look back this would be my biggest regret. I shut it because I know I would never regret. A love so true has no regrets even if you don’t get what you work so hard for in the end. That is why I disregard the idea that one day I would have to watch him leave and know that deep with in me he is never coming back. He is in deed a dream I never wish to end. I am holding on to that dream that is why I wouldn’t want to let it go yet, but holding on for so long as I can doesn’t mean holding on forever. I don’t believe in forever either that is what I used to because you said there is no such thing, but he made me believe in a lot of things and one of them is that we can stay like this for eternity. A moment with him is forever more. Forever might be a word, but it exist. It is a place where dreams come true; where hopes are limitless. It’s a place where kisses heal wounds. Where embrace can take away fears. Where touch can take away doubts. That is forever and I believe him because I felt it. We may not last another weeks, months, or years but he took me to that place where dates are mere numbers you count on to say that this is how long I have him for a moment and that is enough for me to go through this life time. Hopefully I can have him a little longer to last another life time. Looking back, you and I have been together in everything and I can never keep a secret from you. You are too wise to be fooled. They say wise people are poor in the matters of the heart. I wish to erase that cliché. It is not true that I choose to beat for the wrong guy. I just do. You should know better that my beating is involuntary. If I could be held with in the palm of the hand, then it would be a lot easier not to give any explanation. But I can’t be and this makes us human, so I keep my feet on the ground by feeling and hurting. You don’t have to make excuses for me anymore or lie to me, because regardless of the tears and pain, I am happy. You asked me how I can take it; it is about loving with out expecting to be loved back. I may say one thing but mean another, but when I say I love him, I really do. Love is not blind. It is only for the people who hoped to have more when they already have everything, it is about taking everything including those hope to take away. I don’t have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine. I don’t have to frown when I know his smiles weren’t mine, just as long as am smiling because of him and he knows it. I am weak and might be helpless, but I don’t want to heal. Healing is as good as forgetting and I don’t want to forget. Before I end, I want to tell you something. You wouldn’t understand but I know in time you would come to see it as I do. Love is not getting what you have, not even getting what you deserve; it is getting nothing and somehow getting everything if you see it the way I do then you wouldn’t ask anymore and still be wise. Perhaps if we can see again through the same eyes, we used to look at before through the same window. Maybe they would say we are the first to break the cliché.
Always,
Heart
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