caught in between..
CASE # 1: our house is never a home..i have this thought of wanting to move out as soon as possible..no one cares about me at home and i dont care about them either..i dont actually want to conclude it that way but i cant blame myself for feeling like this, coz it's what they made me feel..id rather stay at my budz's place - they aren't related to me by blood but they made me feel as is i am..having to see how blessed i am to be a part of my budz's family made me feel like never coming back to our house again..
i cant actually wait to have my own life!! livig it with my own - no need of my parents' opinion, no need to live with my parents' expectations.. i dont want to live my life for someone else..NOBODY!! i want to live it and rule it on my own!!.. (selfish??!! yeah..whatever!!) coz as far as i can see, most of the peeps i NEED abandoned me!!..my real mom, my real dad..and now, my foster parents are drifting away from me..i dont know how to pull them back, i bet they dont know how to pull me back either..
i cant clearly remember things what my mom and dad did for me when i was really young..as far as i can remember, they would give me what i WANT - toys, clothes, money..everything that i WANT! but now that i grew older, i realized it's not those stuffs that i really need!! it's THEM!! -- their love, their support and their care!
i kept on telling myself that they do love me and that they care about me..well, i guess they do but they're not doing a pretty good job of it coz we're still stuck in this suckfest!!
it's not that am blaming them for this..corz it takes two to build a firm relationship..i tried to pull them back once, for being a "good daughter" and giving them love instead of waiting for them to make me feel loved, but nothing happends..they didnt recognize me and i know they wont, EVER!! *sigh*
i guess what am trying to say is..i want to have my own life and abandoned my family in time..but i know i cant coz nobody can take the fact that a part of me is dependent to them..and though i bitch about them a lot..i still do love 'em...
CASE # 2: my mom told me that ill study at Oz this coming school year..but i dont exactly know how true it is..i want to go back there..live a simple life with my brother Stacy and my causins with my nieces and nephews..have a new bunch of friends there, gather my old friends back in elementary and finally have a good and exciting start with mac..but what's bothering me though is that i dont want to leave the life i have here in manila..chelo, charlene, loraine, ate joey, jc, the much sophisticated malls and peeps..my room, the rakista concerts, etc..argh!! i dont know..*sad* all i wanted is to get my life back..but where?! how?! -- i cant have everything at the same time..*sad* there's nothing i can do..that's life!!
**my cuzin Jade visited us a while ago with her in laws and her mom..she told us that they're going back to Oz this april..a part of me was shouting "can i come?!" and before they leave the house i told her "jade, sama ko sa inyo this paril pag uwi nyo!" -- after i said that, i was like "far out! buo na loob ko! iiwanan ko na ang manila!" *sigh* i dont know..where ever it is..am fine with it! i trust God and His will be done..
"trust God, and let His will be done!"
-Lee Falcon
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