approach - avoidance
3 days to go and our final examination is over. cant wait!
hmm, am having a second thought on giving Bryan (bet ya know who he is, from my past post) a FRIENDLY letter. i want to give him a letter to let him know that am willing to be his friend and too bad, sa loob ng 6 months, di namin nakilala ang isat isa. i want to know him and be my friend. i guess he wants too, to me but i know naiilang lang siya. i know he likes me, kaya nga siya naiilang eh. but for me, i wanna give him a FRIENDLY letter to tell him what i feel, you know, para narin di na siya mailang sa akin.
nagdadalawang isip ako kasi i dont want him to think anything "different" from what my letter is suppose to mean. ayaw ko bigyan niya ng malice yun. ewan ko! naisip ko, if i gave him the letter, he might treat me differently, di yung iniiwasan niya ako kasi nahihiya siya. pero when i think about it, kung talagang gusto niya ako o kahit naman bilang kaibigan niya, he'll do what it takes, ryt?! di naman ako suplada sa kanya, ako pa nga itong unang namamansin sa kanya eh. pero di rin nagtagal yun eh. naiinis ako pag "ako" lang lagi, kaya since then diko na siya pinapansin, i want to be his friend though.
besides, kaibigan lang naman talaga tingin ko sa kanya although i like him. di ko maimagine ang sarili ko having a bf or suitor now. di ko carry, parang ang plastik ng dating ko. carry ko pa pag admirers, pero pag manliligaw - tumatayo balahibo ko! ewan ko ba! parang i dont feel like falling in love pa! para sa akin, loving someone at this moment, sa mga age ko na ito is BULL!!
whenever i see a couple standing close to each other, naiirita ako. and ekskyusme!!! am not jealous!! no way!! naiirita lang ako kasi, naiisip ko, they may be inlove with each other, but eventually masasaktan lang sila coz they're still young, they wont 100% end up with each other. naisip ko tuloy, why do we have to give your everything to someone if we dont even have an assurance for him/her to stay with us?!
i know everything happend for a reason. the things that happend to me at the pass are lessons. i watched Homeboy last friday, they have Rosana Roces as their guest. she cooked paksiw na bangus. Boy Abunda asked her, "ano ang important ingredient ng paksiw?!" she said, "suka" and Boy asked her again."kung may 'suka' ka sa buhay mo? ano, o sino ito?!" *heh* i actually forgot what she answerd but i remember that she said "kung mag mamahal ka, wag mong sabihin hindi mo ibibigay ang lahat para may matira sayo. wag ganun. kung magmamahal ka, ITAYA MO NA ANG LAHAT!" and Boy approved.
me?! 50-50 ako. tama naman talaga yung sinabi niya. but sometimes kasi, you have to be numb to someone you love. sometime, pag sobrang mahal nating ang isang tao, nagpapakamanhid tayo so we cant feel the pain that's slowly kiling us while loving that certain person. ganun ako dati, and hoping that i wont find a person that will make me fall head over heels sa kanya coz i know what my weakness is. pag nagmahal ako. nagmamahal ako and nothing more, nothing less. i just hope i could find someone that will love me for who i am, that will love me not for what i can give and do, but for what he knows that am capable to.
*sigh* ewan ko ba! pag dating sa love, pakiramdam ko, ayaw ko isipin. naiinis lang ako kasi, most of us now, ang alam, love fall under the mediocre category in life. there are many mediocre things in life - BUT LOVE SHOUDNT BE THE ONE OF THEM.
chao!
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