my prerogative

people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. but the question is.. Can you handle mine?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

new post daw.

hehehehe. someone in my tag left a message that i should have a new post. *laughs* (kaw talaga ivan!! hehehe)

yeah, i havent post something new lately, am actually busy with the real world last week and this week. i mean, buong quarter na siguro ng 1st sem, finals na kasi and i need to be on track.

i am the "new" managing editor of the campus press organization and am still on training kasi it is actually my first time to take this kind or responsibility. ganito yun eh, yung managing editor namin is graduating, i mean lahat ng higer editors namin are graduating students kaya they are looking for potential successors ng position nila. and nagulat nalang ako when the managing editor approached me and told me na ako daw ang plan niyang ipalit sa pwesto niya. so at the back of my mind am shouting "NO, NO, NOT ME!!!!!" pero actually its a previlegde narin diba? my point is, di pa ko ready to take the responsibility. farout!!

ano pa ba balita!? oh yeah, i just had a good talk with my ex, Mac - face to face. that was saturday. it was sooooo unexpected!! basta am happy lang na somehow naguusap na kame, after a long one year, atleast naramdaman kong am cool with him. and siya din.

kagagaling ko lang sa sakit and am glad na am ok now.

hmmm, i like watching the movie AQUAMARINE. it is really a great movie. i love it!!!! hehehehe!!

till here!!

thanks for droppin by!

Lee rocks!! @ 5:11 AM

Sunday, August 13, 2006

back on track

first. i started to feel light again last saturday (august 12, 2006). i woke up at 5am and went to school at 530am. ganun kaaga kasi Jed and I are the "marketer" para sa cooking namin in our Culinary Lab na subject. nung nag meet kame ni Jed, punta na kame agad sa palengke. tas mga 645am, nsa school na kame, we were asked to cook our own recipe for breakfast, kasi it is our first time to have our culinary lab at morning. so i told my block mates (18 students, onti noh?!) na i have my own recipe. our prof told us to cook omelette, so i offered my recipe. tas when we are cooking, sobrang busy ako. hindi ko na napapansin ang cellphone ko. i mean, biglang nakalimutan ko na lahat and am focused on what am doing. tas after cooking, we ate. then our prof suddenly said "kaninong recipe to?! sarap ah!!" (anu raw?!) hahahaha!! natatawa ako!! tas our prof gave us 96% out of a hundred as grade dun sa presentation namin. (ang saya dibah?!) so while busy ako kakakinig ng mga compliments nila, my inner self was saying "gosh!! am back on track!! nasa tamang pagiisip nanaman ako!" (hahahahaahhaaha!! korek!!).

second. after ng cul.lab. namin, naisipan namin ng tropa ko na mag online. lalaro daw xa gunbound and ako naman net lang. eh tama ba namang OL din bestfriend ko!! waw!! syempre masaya dabah?!

third. acquaintance party ng school of business pare!!! pers taym ko nung saturday!! lufet dude!! ansaya ko kaya?! *laughs* actually, the dean said the party was not compulsory. so i decided not to join coz i know aabutan ako ng madaling araw sa pag uwi and it felt awkward to me when thinking of going and mingling with the other business students, except for my classmates noh!! tas the dean said it was not compulsory diba? but they said EACH student MUST have an attendance. ampf!! edi ganun din?! (honga!! aswang!) but that wasnt the prob, actually, there ain't no prob. i enjoyed the party!! there was no partucular dress code for that event, i actually thought that dress code would be formal! the heck!! but buti nalang hindi. so i wore my red polo blouse, my fave jeans and my white sandals with accessories (ramdam kong babaeng babae na ko dun sa get up ko na yun!). the party started at 1pm and it ended at 10pm. i came in the party at around 445pm and i liked it coz when i got there, it was eating time! *laughs* and while the people were busy eating, there were several band that performed from different organizations. i saw my classmate back in elementary playing the drums and deym he is hot!! *lol* anyways, after the eating session, nag disco na and when i got home, am soooo drenched!! *lol* twas my fist time!! love it!!

fourth. nakachat ko rin si ate joey, just now. (missed her) honga!! iba parin talaga dating pag siya ang kausap pag dating sa "kalalakihan" na yan!! *laughs*. i know na personal na ang usapan namin but i really wanna blog this. ganyan kasarap pag siya ang kausap ko about that thingy kasi "nananampal" xa. *hihihihihihi* (e kasi naman noh, kaya mo nasabing sampal kasi talagang tama at swak siya!)

te Jo: well.
te Jo: before i say goodbye (kasi mag-1pm na hehehehe), isa lang ang gusto ko sabihin sa yo...
te Jo: malabo ang darwin na yan.
te Jo: tama na yung ginawa mo na "nilayuan" mo sya
britleeh: no worries!!
te Jo: i suggest, forget him. go on with your life. youa re doing great there. youa re carving a name for yourself.
britleeh: yeah.
te Jo: intindihin mo ang pag-aaral mo.
britleeh: i know am fine.
te Jo: saka na yung lintek na lab-lab yan
britleeh: si darwin?! hmm, la lang yun.
britleeh: love?! as if!!
britleeh: di nga ata love eh..
britleeh: ehehehe
britleeh: bato na ko..
te Jo: hay naku, ako pa ang binola mo, gagah! of course darwin means something to you. kung hinde, e di sana di ka nage-emote ng ganyan
te Jo: being in denial of how you really feel, will only make things difficult for you.
britleeh: siguro yung kay dar?! dala lng ng ego ko. pero kht hukayin ko puso ko, dko pa love si dar. ala kong naramdaman na love.
britleeh: so am alright.
te Jo: tanggapin mo na ang katotohanan na may meaning si darwin sa yo, at nasaktan ka. and then move on.
te Jo: and dont say you have moved on, when inreality youhave not.
britleeh: ai oo, may meaning naman xa sa akin perooooooooo, bsta!! ibang level lang naman ng kababwan un..
te Jo: dont live in denial. acceptance is the first step towards peace.
britleeh: yeah, seeds of angst!!
te Jo: kung totoong "kababawan", then taht should not be bothering you this way.
britleeh: hmmm.
britleeh: ego ko lang to..
te Jo: its alright to admit na nagkagusto or MAY gusto ka sa kanya.
britleeh: kasi maxado expect na ... bsta...
britleeh: yeah, admit ko yun..
britleeh: pero yun lang naman...
britleeh: chaka i know he's happy..
britleeh: and ako din nman...
te Jo: nope, you DONT know whether he is happy or not.
britleeh: uh, yeah..
te Jo: si darwin lang ang makapagsasabi kung masaya sya o hinde.
te Jo: at ikaw lang ang makapagsasabi kung totoong masaya ka o hinde.
te Jo: what i want to happen to you is to learn to accept things without denials.
te Jo: ang hirap sa ating mga babae, deny ng deny.
britleeh: toinks!! *ouch*
te Jo: tapos kung ano-anong katarantaduhan ang ginagawa sa buhay, na in the end, sa atin din naman tatama
te Jo: ang mas mabuti, wish him well, and move.
britleeh: i know.. i know..
te Jo: at this point, it wont work with darwin lee.
britleeh: i will..britleeh: actually, am helping him..
te Jo: he strikes me as too cute for comfort, and true to it, easy lang makakuha ng girls
te Jo: masasaktan ka lang.
te Jo: kung kayo talaga, e di gagawa ang tadhana ng paraan para magtagpo kayo ulit.
britleeh: eh kasi ako ang hinihingian nya nga mga advices eh..
te Jo: naka-alis ka na kay mac, wag mo ilibing ang sarili mo kay darwin. alam mo naman kung gano kahirap "makaalis"
te Jo: and dont tell me "nakaalis" ka na, i wont believe you.
britleeh: honestly, as of now, dko na maimagine being with him.... never!! frnds perhaps, but never as lovers.. ewwww!!
te Jo: ikaw ang hinihingan ng advices
te Jo: ano ka ba, di ka ba nasanay sa style ng mgha ampf!
britleeh: yeah
britleeh: yeah!! tama!! actually, i label him as ampf din!!
te Jo: alam mo naman yang mga yan, hahanap at hahanap ng paraan para lang ma-maintain ang "contact" sa yo.
te Jo: basta. stop it.
te Jo: yun lang.

-- aion lang naman!! am back on track!! free again!! hakuna matata!! --

Lee rocks!! @ 10:18 PM

Thursday, August 10, 2006

bother

bother, is to cause to be somewhat anxious or concerned.

biological dad - this thing started to bother me when my half bother, Stacy, was busy knowing his his relatives, father side. and his father is not just an ordinary guy in this place, his father is a "dragon". so my brother was starting to get acquainted with the "dragon family". (argh!) on my brother's birthday, his relatives came. yeah, the "dragon clan" arrived in our pad. we were really under pressure. i mean we didn't expect them to come. they brought foods, drinks and ofcourse, their sons and daughters. mac belongs in the dragon clan - glad he didnt came, but his cousins did. i was trying to hide from the crowd. i was in the kitchen most of the time while the party was going on. i heard them talk about my brother and his father - about their resemblance, they also talked about my biological mom and they've recalled everything about the past. i knew i have stuck myself in the kitchen but i could still hear what they were talking about. i tried my best not to give an attention to it but i failed, so i was left longing for my biological dad. it started to bother me. (com'on, am happy enough to have a foster parents!) but at that moment, i started to wonder how or what could have happend if i would meet my biological dad, face to face. will i be as happy as my brother? will i be accepted as a part of their clan? will i be . . . . . . nevermind! *sigh*

past - they were all the same. they came and they were gone, with just a snap of a finger. isn't it so painful to realize that time would give you chances to talk, to share, to be with each other?! (is that bad?! i mean you should be glad that time has given you the chance) yeah, that's what sucks, ONLY chances!! JUST CHANCES!!! someone from my past thought that am happy being with someone else right now. honestly, i am not. and pathetically speaking i think that i'll never be, coz am stuck!! yeah, i have moved on. i mean com'on!!! it is so easy to move on, but it is what you left behind that makes it so damn difficult! i now am stuck somehow with my past but this is not about the feeling, ok?! i forgot what it feels like being inlove. what makes me stuck is the feeling of not able to forget being "decieved". so it affects my future. i already have the fear. (ngek, yun lang?! don't make it stop you!)

Lee rocks!! @ 10:40 PM

Monday, August 07, 2006

random facts

random facts in Lee's world as of (date posted above).

1. seeds of angst
- insecurities = i feel really unsecure of myself. am not rich, am not pretty, am not sexy, am not good in bed (duh!) -- am nothing.
- jealousy = i envy the guys that i've met. mac and darwin, they took everything so casually. ang saket! now, they are all having a good life. they are all smiling and having fun with their gurls, me? still stuck here in my world. none of the boys out there would want to join my world. i suck!
- fear = yes, i am afraid of something.
- denial = am in denial that i still have the "feeling".
- anger = i hate my foolishness and my stupidity. i hate me.
- guilt = and am guilty for what i've done to myself.
- acceptance = i know i have to do that, but it ain't that easy. com'on!!

it all started because of this txt-crap "we love each other and feel ko siya na talaga. i wanna settle na and am planning to get married this year." (his text goes something like that) --- it does hurt. i know am hurt, and am lost eleswhere. *sigh*

2. am in deep shit. i know some things shouldn't affect me the way it affects me right now.
- i still cant get away from my thoughts from the seeds of angst.
- i havent met the first deadline the editor in chief gave me. i mean, i had made several articles for the magtab but the layout artist havent showed up for like weeks!!!!!!! the hell!!
- my cellphone is broken. more hell!!
- i feel dizzy this past few weeks. maybe i guess because of my eating disorder. yeah, am suffering of that recently. i have been starving myself, i guess am too focused on controling my weight and am also busy with my committments in school. so i starved - and binge. i drank heavy acids last week without eating propperly, i have taken loads of sugars and carbs with out the proper meal. far out!! am i trying to kill myself?! i need serious help!!! someone?!?!?

3. hard as rock, eh?!?!?
- people never knew what i've been through this past weeks. i know i got a lot of comments like "pumayat ka Lee, diet noh?!" -- see?! does it matter?! i mean diet is what this guys knew about me. the hell!! i dont do diet!! i'd like to but am always out of track. so i dont. i have suffered eating disorder because of the intention of wanting to lose weight so i tried to maintain it but i know, we know that it's bad!! so i dont!! i am in shit!! and that's what makes me lose weight, and no, am not loving it. i'd rather gain weight as much as i want to as long as am worry-free. ok, so back with the peeps around me. i mean seriously, tell me, am not transparent!! am a good actor, i know how to hide things -- my feelings, my pain.
- bato?! that's what you think of me, dont you?! uh, yeah, i admit, i am numb to some of the shits. i mean pain doesnt hurt anymore if it all you ever felt, does it?! kinakalyo na nga puso ko eh. peeps say that i dont care, am rock. a hardcore bitch!! yeah, label me whatever!!!! but hey, come, try to see it through me. please, i insist.

4. masaya.
- uh, after what i've rant, i still insist you to believe that am somehow happy. ofcourse am mature enough to handle those, been through it almost every month of every year!! so i still hold this statement "as a real girl, i has withstood the test of time and i am constantly evolving with the changes around me. having practically grown up infront of the judgemental and fickle world, i know how i can make my success happend for myself. i may have committed a lot of mistakes along the way, but i am continually learning from them. you may love me or hate me, nobody can ignore the fact that i am here to stay!!" i am happy, i still find time to recall all the blessings that i've been receiving everyday. i am human; i mess up, i hate, i love, i complain, i pray, i survive, i feel, etc. i know that no matter how hard you try to evade just to not feel or experience the things that you dont like, still, you are left with no choice but be a prison of destiny. i know we can get away with this, cant we?! but yeah, it's in how you handle it. it's in how you go though the process. it's ok to let go of yourself, but make sure you know how to get yourself back. you can let go of everything, but please, never the faith. it's everything!!

5. foul play
- i made up a story to help myself move on. i have told this someone that i am blah blah blah. i may have played it foully but i know it's the right thing to do. i wonder if i have told him the truth?! will he......??? (duh!!!) yeah, as if he cared! never mind!!!

6. miss
- am missing alot of things. my bestfriend Chelo (happy five labz!!), my academics and mostly, my parents.

7. sloth
- no matter how hard you pull the trigger of your gun beside the ear of a sloth, it wouldn't move because it doesnt care!!. a sloth always has a blissfull smile attached on its face, in other words, this creature feels contentment. it sleeps 20hrs a day. it moves 2-4 meters per hour and last but not the least, it is the most laziest of the laziest (hehehe) of all creatures!! why am i blogging this?! because i want to be a sloth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there, none is left in my mind...

Lee rocks!! @ 6:59 PM

Thursday, August 03, 2006

i thought..

i know am totally over him. why am i feeling this way then??!??!

my world changed so easily. i was really busy with my life now. been really busy to meet the deadlines given to me by our managing editor, it aint that easy to be a student journalist, am loving it though. been busy attending workshops for the local tv team. i know i love being busy. i like it this way. but with one text, my world stopped. it changed.

"am planning to get married. feeling ko siya na talaga and kami na para sa isat isa. i wanted to settle narin and i know she is the right girl for me. we are planning to get married this year and i want you to come cause you are invited." - his text goes something like that.

WTF!!!! i texted back sayin "best wishes". (plastic!) yeah, i guess that's what you have to call me. i know am hurt with those words and . . . . . am lost else where!!

*sob*

Lee rocks!! @ 11:44 PM

my prerogative

people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. but the question is.. Can you handle mine?

Name: Lee

as a real girl, i has withstood the test of time and i am constantly evolving with the changes around me..having practically grown up infront of the judgemental and fickle world, i know how i can make my success happend for myself..i may have committed a lot of mistakes along the way, but i am continually learning from them..you may love me or hate me, nobody can ignore the fact that i am here to stay!! Welcome to MY world!!

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