MY PRERO LAYOUT my prerogative: October 2004

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Lee© ** i write to express, not to impress! ** ©Lee




my prerogative

people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. but the question is.. Can you handle mine?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Making a Difference

hello!

geesshh..been very busy this week..and lots to come next week..too good i'd be able to blog this one..

[CJ-my very cute energetic cousin from Aussie] been looking after her since she came here in Phils. for a vacation. too bad JR [CJ's brother] is not around..ooppss..thanks for the very nice cd Jay...you don't know how i badly needed it!...it actually help me mend! sheeesh!!..i never realized i've been missing alot these days...

meet a lot of peeps too! my realatives and relatives of a relative [does it make sense?! *teehe*]
been going to any place possible with the folks..it's really tiring..

sensible lee: look at the brighter side lee..

oh yeah...it's good though coz i'd be able to forget what i ought to forget then...
this will be the start of my "make a difference" phase..sheesh...it's pretty hard coz i sometimes think of 'him'..i mean i want to think of him..

nostalgic lee: hmmm, kamusta na kaya yun?!

but, oh....not that im thinking of him to hurt myself..im thinking of him to let myself get used to him! [hmm, do i make sense?] coz i know even if im already healed, i will someday deal with the same old stuff, not to me..but to my Ateng...*sigh*

anyway guys, i promise you and to myself aswell..i'll be better soon!! wait for the "long -waited LEE"....

*wide smile*

Stand for what you believe! - Lee Falcon


Lee rocks!! @ 9:03 PM

 

Monday, October 25, 2004

...it's ME, talking..[part 2]

I can wake up in the morning now and you are not the first thing on my mind. I have picked myself up and my heart is healing with time, but it still doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you and that I always feel fine. you hurt me more than I could bear. many days, nights I would find myself just left wondering, gazing with a lost stare. part of me will always be marked and wish that where ever you are I too could be there. the way you treated me was a disgrace, don’t you remember when once all we wanted was to be in the same place? I know I wasn’t the issue in your life and it was your own problems that caused me all the strife and pushed me away. would have been easier, if you could have said it all to my face, not ignore my calls, and end it all just like that. one day I know I have to get over you and deep down all the hurtful things you didn’t mean to do. but its because you could and never can rise above it all, that the only way for me is to find someone new. I despise, yearn for, am angry with, really miss the one person I lost. the same person I never really had, but time is on my side and everyday I put away a little bit of my pride. accept that you didn’t want you and I to be, but understand now it wasn’t anything to be taken personally. I know at times I will run in to you and now I won’t really know what to do. closure will probably never be found. some more tears may be shed, more empty moments will come around. answers to questions always in the back of my head, but I am gonna move on and one day it will be you that misses me instead...

*sigh*

sensible lee: don't worry lee, i'll help you with that! am gonna help you move on!
nostalgic lee: but, what if i long for him again?!
sensible lee: i don't know, it's all up to lee.
lee: guys, moving on is simple, it is what we gonna leave behind that makes it so damn difficult!! - that's why i don't know how to deal with you both! *tsk*


Stand for what you believe! - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 2:33 AM

 

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Talking for my Sensible side

she remembers her life, shattering, right before her eyes. she remembers the sounds, the noise, the cries, it stays in her mind forever.

nostalgic lee: ahh..not those!
sensible lee: will you shut up?!!

all through out her life, she knows her life is being crushed, slowly, piece by piece. day by day. there's not much she can do. now that she's older, she can understand, why everything happens. she knows there's always a reason for everything, even if you don't believe it. she does.

most people don't know about everything that this girl has been through. it's not like, she goes around telling anybody and everybody her whole life story. if she don't trust you, she won't tell you. you might not care about anything...but she does.

nostalgic lee: aren't you there yet?
sensible lee: don't worry, she's almost done.

she remembers thinking "things can only get worse form here." she still thinks that. she needs to realize that she souldn't be living in the past. isn't it funny? how some strange memories last? don't you wish you could pick the memories that you wanted to remember?...she does...

sensible lee: thanks lee! *wide smile*
lee: no prob!

Lee rocks!! @ 2:19 AM

 

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Greatful

been feeling very bad, very low, very sad, very empty..been looking for answers..i think i got them all these times..but i still don't get what it means..*geeesh* im trying to understand my purpose again..

i wasn't asking something from God..except that i wish He could give me enough strenght to understand everything that's been happening to me..but time passed, it all feels the same!!

im becoming more weaker..im loaded of "shits"!!..(oh God! wish You could be Someone that's just right here...) i want somebody whom i could bare my soul with..someone who will exactly understand my state, exactly who could give me some answers and help me understand it..someone who could be a friend that would never be disgusted on you coz of what you've gave up..someone who could be there...just there...to help me understand my porpuse.. *sob*

*smiles*

then there comes ATE ANJO (ANgel JOey)....my God sent Angel!!..

God is Good!!

Stand for what you believe! - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 5:46 AM

 

Friday, October 22, 2004

Dead

i want to actually dwell on the shits that's been happening to me..that's been happening to my life specifically..i dont understand why i dwell on this stuff too much, which i know that would only make me weaker, that would only make me pity myself more, that would only lessen my confidence, my strength, my hope, my self-esteem..

i dwell too much why should this shits have to happened to me?!...i ain't a super girl!..my heart is weaker than anyone else i know and yet...WHY ME?!?..

i dwell too much on why should this man i choose to love have to hurt me?!..why does he have to let me feel something deep for him and just ignore me as if im a stranger to him?!..why does he have to let me fall if he didn't want me to be his girl!?...WHY???

i dwell too much on why should loneliness, emptiness, sadness, frustations, and disappointments have to live long in our hearts and mind while happiness on the other hand [which we all wanted to feel] leaves us easily?..as if it's just passing by?!...

i dwell too much to myself..how could i carry on?!..how will i fight for this shits?!..what, where, how will i be after this?!..how will i deal with this emotionally and phsycologically?!!

*tsk*

by the way..my head is aching and my heart is breaking!!..yes!!..it is!!..im hurt..

i feel like im suffering of coma..i fell like a poisonous sword is pass through my skin, and that my blood is dripping..i feel like im in hell, slowly burning my flesh with lucifer's unmerciful fire!..i feel like..like...

im dead!??!!???!??....

*sob*

Stand for what you believe - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 5:26 AM

 

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Feigned Dandies

i guess having a choice is what makes me be in this state..and i honestly admit that i made bad choices..and i actually stand for it!!

although inside me..i feel like im getting weaker everyday..i didn't regret it though..besides, i just loved..and that's what makes me stand for it!!

much is lost to me..my pride, my dignity, myself and my......errr, uhm...nevermind!! tsk!

i sometimes wish that i ain't got a good instinc..i know these dandies are just playing their games...but i dont care!!..as long as im with them..as long as they allow me to let them feel what i feel for them...im fine with it!!*shrugs*

there are times that they would let me feel "as if" they're true to every words they say and every actions they made...

well, sadly..that's the only way to feel the happiness that i've been wanting to feel from them..even if just for a jiffy...*sigh*

after all the pretense, after all the games, after all the shitz that they've put me through...i still long for them, yearn for their touch, their kiss, their eyes looking at me that would give me enough confidence to stand for what i choose...

*closed my eyes* - *thinking* - *opened my eyes*

every night, every single moment that i think of them...i pray for them, for their life, for their happiness...and i only hope that it brings greatness to them..

*sigh*


Stand for what you believe! - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 5:10 AM

 

"Best I Ever Had"


the guy
Originally uploaded by maclee25.
"Best I Ever Had" (Vertical Horizon)

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Lee rocks!! @ 3:00 AM

 

...it's ME, talking.. [part 1]

I'm not quite sure how I feel about you now. I know that there are still some feelings that I have for you, but then there is a barrier blocking them, because I know that it isn't right. I do know though that if you would want me again, I would go to your arms without question.

sensible lee: tsk..here we go again!
nostalgic lee: shh..she's trying to talk!
sensible lee: oh..cut it off lee!!
nostalgic lee: don't mind her lee, go on.

It still confuses me though what happened between us. I know that we had something, I'm sure of it. I just went away so fast that I'm still heart broken, are you heart broken though? I wish I knew. IF only I could know if I am held in your heart, If only I knew if I did something for you or if I will just be a pass in time, with no importance, I will never know though. ah! if only, but I talked with you last night, and I heard about your life as it is right now. I miss knowing what is happening in your life, not having that makes my heart empty and know that there is nothing I can do when you are hurt, hurts ME so much. My heart aches to know that I want to hold you in my arms like I have done so many times before I want to sooth you with my touch and i want to hold your face between my hands, kiss you lightly on your lips and you'll know that everything will be alright. I pray for you every night and for your life, I only hope tht it brings greatness to you.

lee: am done!
nostalgic lee: that's a big relief! thanks lee!

Lee rocks!! @ 2:12 AM

 

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

...at times...he's always there!

i noticed this guy when we were in 2nd year high school. he was my school mate then. we met because of a common friend. since then, we bacme became close and he became my guy bestfirend and i as his girl bestfriend.

he was the one who comforted me at times when im feeling bad, times when chelo had a girlfriend, times when i have no one to talk to, times when i actually needed someone...

*chuckles* funny coz most of the peeps in our campus thought that we were a couple..coz most of the time we actually spent our recess and lunch as much as possible together and he would wait for me at my room so we could go home together. (how i miss those days!)

i miss this guy's voice, he's silly stories, he's smile, the way he actually treated me as his "sister" or simply as his "Bessy"...i miss those times when i went at his place, go inside his room, surfed the net and most of the time we talked about our desires..our life..what would it be..where would we be...

a year after that..he had a girlfriend who is also a friend of mine..i was really greatfull coz even if he had a girlfriend..he would make sure he had enough time to atleast give me a ring and asked me how did my day went, etc.. *sniff*

i actually fall for this guy..i cant help it!..he's been there..he was always there!..i was very much open to him about everything..i was even thinking of being his "girl"...but NO!!..i didn't need anything more from him..i love the way he was..the way he is..and all i am is a friend to him...and i am much contented and cool with it!! *wide smile*

i thank God for having such a wonderfull Bessy..he may be a guy..but he understands everything about me!!..and i thank my Bessy JC for being just the way he is!!

*Bessy, i miss being with you!*


Stand for what you belive! - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 4:53 AM

 

swimmers??


swimmers??
Originally uploaded by maclee25.
having fun under the sun with my very sweet and charming Budz!!

..at Club Manila East..

Lee rocks!! @ 2:17 AM

 

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Worth Fighting For..

i met this girl when i was in 2nd year high school. i noticed her because there are times that she kept on looking at me. she is Ma. Chelo Bendicho y Azarcon.

i found out that we were craving for the same things, like Nsync, Britney Spears, BSB etc. [we both have the same taste of interest]. we were hanging out in the same group and then i finally able to know her a lil bit more. she's so sweet, nice and kind. we've been very close since then. she became my bestfriend and me as her bestfriend aswell.

in our friendship, we had a lot of ups and downs. most of the time it came from her part [..i think]. there's this one time i almost lost her because of her "girlfriend" [which i consider it as my worst "battle" for winning her].we're bestfriends, we actually go out, hang out and do the 'stuff' together. not until she had her girlfriend. i got jealous ofcourse. i miss hanging out with her, i miss leaving the school with her, i miss having lunch with her..i miss everything about her. i cant blame her though. she had her girlfriend with her all the time and she had a commitment with her [didn't she have a commitment to me too?!, anywayz..]

i told her everything about my doubts to her since she had her girlfriend, i also told her everything that was here *points to the heart*, i let it all out. ofcourse, she was completely at sea then. she loved her girlfriend very much. she said it all to her girlfriend, her girlfriend [ofcourse] got mad at me. i thought she understands. i thought we already talked about "it". to add insult to injury, her girlfriend confronted me about it and we almost fight. i was going to give her what she wants but all i ever think that very moment was my bestfriend [how could this be so? she's just right behind us and not even helping me face her girlfriend while she's yelling to my face!...how could she do this to me *sob*]

i got home..mad and very sad! i couldn't believe it!..got on my knees and asked God "WHY?"..she's all i ever have!..time passed i didn't talk to her. i just have to accept that good things never last!....

but i kept of fighting..hoping that someday i could win her back..it's all worth it though...after all..

her road leads to me..

*sniff*

i feel so alive again of having her with me. we've learned our lessons and we realized something big for our friendship... "at the end..it's still 'US'"

*i love you so much Budz!*


Stand for what you belive! - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 4:47 AM

 

Monday, October 18, 2004

"Push"


camerista
Originally uploaded by maclee25.
"Push" (Matchbox20)

she/he said I dont know if Ive ever been good enough
Im a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
and I dont know if Ive ever been really loved
by a hand thats touched me, well I feel like somethings gonna give
and Im a little bit angry, well

this aint over, no not here, not while I still need you around
you dont owe me, we might change
yeah we just might feel good

(chorus)
I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted,
I wanna take you for granted I will

she/he said I dont know why you ever would lie to me
like Im a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
and I dont know why you couldnt just stay with me
you couldnt stand to be near me
when my face dont seem to want to shine
cuz its a little bit dirty well

dont just stand there, say nice things to me
Ive been cheated Ive been wronged,
and you you dont know me, I cant change
I wont do anything at all

(chorus)

Lee rocks!! @ 3:19 AM

 

Friday, October 15, 2004

Where did I came from?!

i was really hurt when i found out that i am an adopted daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Falcon. it was told to me when my real mom died. my real mom is my stepmother's sister. i was really hurt. i never thought that at a very young age i would feel such pain. there are lot of questions that keeps hanging at the back of my head.

time passed. i have learned to live with it, besides i could never be here with out my real mother. and i could never live life like this with out my loving foster parents.i am so thankfull for the blessings that comes my way, despite of all the pain that i've been through.

many days and nights that i kept on asking myself of my purpose here. i know God loves me so much! if it wasn't because of God's plan for me, i might be in a road that leads to no where.

i thank my real mother for allowing me to see the beauty of life, and i thank my foster parents for giving me the chance to live life like this, a good life that will lead me to where i actually belong. i love my real mom. [where ever you are, your memory's with me]. i love my mommy and daddy for taking care and understanding me and loving me as if im their own [i'll make you realize that you've been a very great and loving parents after all].

and lastly, i thank God for loving me despite of my stubborness, i thank You God for being so good and kind to me. i thank You for being there for me whenever i need someone. i thank You, for just being the Ultimate One.

*sniff*


Stand for what you belive! - Lee Falcon

Lee rocks!! @ 4:41 AM